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Now I'm out of breath! I feel as if I've won the lottery or the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Pullet Surprise! I'd like to thank all of the wonderful people who inspired me to . . .
Wait a minute -- don't overdo it Don Ray. Calm! Chill! Think about the advice that Boris and your mother gave you. Breathe! Pause! Think! Restrain!
OK. Ahem. Uh . . .
Hello fellow Lions. I am quite pleased to be a member of this honorable community and I will strive to be a model citizen and a positive contributor. I believe that I have a lot of skills, knowledge, ideas, solutions and services to offer my fellow Lions and Lionesses.
I invite everyone who finds themselves consuming my most cautions words to make contact with me for just about any darned reason you wish. I believe strongly in not taking myself too seriously, but putting every ounce of seriousity into my work and into making the world a better place.
I wish that I could define myself for you adequately, but it ain't possible. Some have called me a Forrest Gump with brains -- probably because such amazing things fall into my lap. Others say I should have been a crew member on Apollo 13 -- because of my ability to survive and even thrive when others are laying down their guns or trying to decide which limb to hand over to the bear or the shark or the corrupt government offical.
Different people think that I'm the world's best at a variety of skills -- finding things (or people) that they've lost track of, writing things in a way that draw the reader in and forget that she or he is reading, interviewing people who don't think they want to be interviewed and having them thank me for the experience afterward, offering suggestions on how to guarantee that the news media will flock to an organization or individual's planned event and ensure that the resulting news coverage is positive and widespread, oh, and so many more things.
Don't think that there aren't people out there who would tell you some things about me that will raise your eyebrows. Most of it isn't true. Some of it is, but I'll be darned if I can figure out how the heck they new about it. After all, my encounters with Fidel Castro and the King of Spain were purely accidental. The rumor that I was alone in the bathroom with Larry Flynt is true, but he invited me there. I still have the tape recording of the conversation. But those are things that I'll be happy to share with you if we ever sit down over a Diet Coke or an iced tea (not the fruity or tropical kind)!
I should tell you about the encounter with my neighbor yesterday. You see, I was up very, very late working on this amazing idea I have to create a wave of activity that will actually make the world a better place (without asking anyone for money or putting heavy demands on people or making them paint themselves green or register as Democrat or recruit their friends, family and fellow workers). Anyway, I had to get up early for a meeting with a 26-year-old dressed in clothing that someone else wore 30 years before he was born. You see, he's a swing dancer and he found me through a website I put up about my documentary about the Hollywood Canteen (http://www.hollywoodcanteen.org) and he wanted to share with me some artifacts he recently found from that famous World War II watering hole for GIs.
Anyway, when I stepped outside to walk to my car, there was a full-grown peacock munching on my newly seeded front lawn. I didn't have time to deal with him, so when I went to my office, I called a guy who lives on my block and I asked him to do something with the peacock.
He said, "What do you want me to do with him?" I remembered that this guy is a hunter (remember the part above about moving the world in a better direction?), so I said, "I don't care, just take him somewhere. Take him to the zoo. Can you do that?"
He agreed and I went back to preparing to meet with the young guy in old clothes. By the way, when he showed up, he was wearing white pants, a Hawaiian shirt and a sailor's hat -- the kind a naval officer might have worn. He looked like Red Buttons. Regardless, he's a great guy and the stuff he had is fantastic. I'm certain it will show up in the documentary.
Frankly, I'd forgotten all about the peacock until drove up in front of my house and he was there again. He was nibbling up the last of the lawn I so proudly had seeded.
I walked with purpose (remember, I have to restrain myself sometimes -- my mother's voice is still in my head, 11 years after she moved on to some other beyond).
I knocked on my neighbor's door and he answered.
"Hey, I thought you said you'd take that peacock to the zoo!"
He opened his eyes up wide, smiled a proud sort of smile and replied with a line that will stay with me forever.
My problem is that I have to close this note and get back to my front lawn. But here's my offer: If you'll send me an e-mail message and introduce yourself to me (gently, please), I'll tell you what my neighbor said.
While I'm working on the lawn, I'll be wondering if someone will start a petition drive to have me banned from this forum and maybe even from the world.
Warmly,
Don Ray
(donray@donray.com)
Ps. Did I warn you that my mind works fast? If not -- My mind works fast.
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